The Singles Market

This is a peek into my experience with the arranged marriage process

My story of how I entered the singles market is very simple. My attempts of finding a guy on my own had been a complete failure and when my opportunities of meeting new people drastically came down, I entered the arranged marriage scenario semi-voluntarily (needed the convincing of a dear friend ofcourse). At first I thought, “How hard could it be?” turns out, VERY!

I frantically searched for photos of me in sarees and salwars, gave a lot of thought and wrote a half decent write-up about myself and voila, just like that, my profile was up on a ‘famous’ matrimonial site. This past year, I have tried all avenues of arranged marriage; traditional sites which is a dump yard of single men and women, modern sites that are supposed to take a personalized approach aimed at simplifying the search process and also not to mention, the trending dating apps for people looking for something long term (no.. not tinder).  

One of the things about meeting random people is the kind of people you get to meet. I always called myself the freak-magnet and hence I have attracted some odd weirdos in this entire process. If I sit and think about it, I can categorize the men I have met.

Disclaimer: This categorization is purely based on my experience of interacting with some men and profile screening. No offence to the serious men out there. There might be stories on the other side of the coin too, I’m not denying that. This is not a male bashing post :).  

I.         The Cold-Feet

For these kind of men, everything seems all fun, exciting and nice. He tries to woo you and says all the right words. He even makes you feel like a college girl. When things start becoming serious, he utters the word “cold feet” casually in the conversations. These are my favorite kind of men. Of course, they are the wrong kind of men any girl should get attracted to. As for me, I have been generous with these cold-feet men, giving them the benefit of doubt, only to realize that cold feet is just a fancy term for fear of commitment.

Maybe they didn’t completely understand what the word “marriage” meant. They probably signed up on these matrimonial sites just to find someone to casually date or someone they can have a live-in relationship with.

Ladies, if a guy ever mentions the word, “cold feet”, take the nearest emergency exit and run because somewhere in this whole process he is going to run :) .

II.       The Overly Attached

These are the ones who start planning a future with you in the first 10 minutes into the conversations. They also wouldn’t probably let you talk, so it’s mostly listening in a conversation. Needless to say, you know you are having your first and last conversation.

III.      The Orthodox NRIs

The market is filled with plethora of America maapilais (English: Grooms) and you are going to talk to one or several of them. Most eligible profiles, at least the profiles I seem to find an interest in, are these America mappilais. You might think that they are progressive in their thinking and that’s where the twist is; all you have to do is look for the keyword traditional, or orthodox in their profiles. They are looking for women who can be a wife who is career oriented, a mother, a nurse (you know to take care of parents, it’s always mentioned in their profiles), a chef, a housemaid and not to mention ­a god-fearing perfect daughter-in-law. Basically, their need is simple; all they want is a superhero.

Fortunately I could never fit their bill :) Thank god for that.

IV.       The Independent Ones

These are the men who drive their own searches which is a huge deal in this arranged marriage scenario. I presumed that these men are independent, modern men hailing from progressive families and are looking to settle down. *WRONG* Most of these men (not all),  are on these sites just to get their parents off their backs and they are doing this under a condition that they do it on their own terms, ergo the self-managed profiles. These, more or less, circle back to the men who are looking to casually date or have a live-in relationship ... on a matrimonial site.

V.        The Friend

These are the nice men. They are genuine, courteous, honest, open and smart. The kind that a girl would want. Here’s the glitch. Neither of you feel the chemistry and see it click yet you still have great conversations. At the end of it, you mutually decide to remain friends and you end up being each other’s shoulder of comfort in this whole arranged marriage process.

That’s right. I made a friend too. :)

One thing I’ve noticed in general is that, most families emphasize on how the girl should adjust and change. In this day and age, giving a girl a list of things she must comply with after marriage is … so not cool bro. A woman is trying to form new relations and is not expecting to be recruited into the family organization. It’s time to understand that adaptation works both ways and it is just not the girl who needs to adapt to the changes.

After all this drama, the hope is that you meet a decent person who makes this painful search a worthwhile effort. Only time will tell…  

~ THE SEARCH IS STILL ON ~

What do I want to be or not to be?

For most of us out there, the most difficult question that we all have had to answer at one point in our lives is, "What do I want to be?".

For some brilliant minds, the answer is easy and it doesn't change over time. Some people might have always wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer and so on.

This post for those average joes out there like me, for whom, "What do I want to be?" has been one of the toughest question we have had to answer.

Here goes my story..

Today I am a User Experience (UX) Consultant. What's that? Well it is my job to ensure that you when you use an application / website, you do whatever you want to without having a a person to explain it to you. The words "design" and "experience" sums up pretty much what I do. Yes! It is interesting if it is done the way it is supposed to do. In IT that's not how things roll, we take shortcuts owing to time constraints and hence the depth behind my job is reduced by a large extent.

I was not always in this profession. I started my career as an IT & Risk Consultant. Why? Well, that was the first job I got when I finished my MBA and I was forced to take it up. What I did was, walk into companies, look at the financial and operational applications they used and evaluated if there are loopholes in the applications through which there is a risk of exposure to fraudulent activity.

For example, a project I was once involved in was investigating a "large ticketing site's" (name cannot be disclosed :D) system integrity and what we found out was that there was a flaw in the application that handled their coupons. An employee had figured this loophole and had used a coupon code several times to book many flight tickets thereby causing a loss to the company. Sounds interesting? Behind that finding, there was a lot of data crunching and several nights of cross verification of data and reports. Something that did not excite me. I did what I did because I was good at it (even though I didn't enjoy it) and I did not find a pressing need to find another job, until I woke up one morning feeling empty. I searched for the cause and no, it was not the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend. I merely did not like what I did at work.

Now that I had figured out what I did not like. I had two options; continue to do what I did and get my L1, move to US and do this job for the rest of my life or figure out what I want to, change jobs, accept that maybe the other job may not pay as much but at least I might do a job that I love. It was not hard to decide for me. I knew I had to change my career. I did not regret doing this job for nearly 2 years, it did give me a lot of experience and I was thankful for that.

The big question that followed that was "What do I want to do then?" The truth was I didn't know. I had interned as a Business Analyst (BA) and I liked what I did. So this meant completely changing my career for good. I wanted to move back to Chennai and I found a company that had an opening. Now, I wasn't a BA but I had to convince a company that I was good enough to be hired. Needless to say, I did manage to impress them and I got the job. I couldn't be happier. I loved every aspect of my job. Did I like the company? To be honest, No. Even though I was back home, I could barely make time for anything or anyone. I was working almost 16 hours a day and it didn't bother me in the beginning. It started to get to me when I started gaining weight and my clothes stopped fitting me. All that love that my mother showed through her food and hectic days at work, there was no escape from either.

You realize your needs change over a period of time. My focus was on bringing about a balance now. I wanted to come back home at a decent time so that I can do small things like, shop for groceries or go for a run. I put myself out in the job market after serving nearly 2 years. Unfortunately, finding a job as a functional BA was hard and that is when I got the opportunity for an interview for a UX position at a big and reputed MNC. I used to execute a part of the UX work as a BA but it was not something I had thought as a career.

I was skeptic about changing lines and also moving for a bare minimum hike. It was a great risk. I also needed the brand identity and work life balance. I decided to go for it. I was maybe 50% sure that this would work for me. Even after moving to my new job, I had my doubts and kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing. Then slowly, I started to learn the depth of the job and started liking it more. It has rekindled the creative side of me that I thought was lost forever. I mean c'mon, I can design applications that you download off your app stores and play stores. How nice is that?! 

Today, I may not be at par with my fellow risk consultants in monetary terms but I am a person who likes her job. I may not necessarily love the company I work for and that's why I have no guilt in switching companies. Taking risks and exploring several lines has brought me here and I cannot be more thankful for it.

The way I see it, there are are two ways to have a career
1. Don't give a damn about the kind of work you do. Kiss ass and go up the ladder. The faster route probably in today's corporate scenario. You might even get a visa for the US of A done faster than others.
2. Love or like your job at the very least. See if it brings out the best in you. Stick to a company for as long as it works for you. Try to strike a balance and have some personal life. Make enough money to survive :).

I chose option #2. I have never been good at kissing asses anyways :D. 

Free advice ...

• Start your career in small / mid sized companies where your presence matters. All learning that you get is within the first few years in your career. You will be bombarded with so much work that extends beyond your role, it will help you learn by heads and bounds.
• Don't stick to your first company for years together. Change companies. Meet new people. Learn to survive new environments. Do it as long as the market is willing to take you
• After few years, try to get a brand identity of one of the MNCs just to get opportunities in the market.
• Always keep asking if you like your job. A kind of a periodic self evaluation if you must call it.

You might not know what you want to do in life that easily. Take some leaps in the hope that even if you fall, you would figure out what you don't want. 

Sometimes a leap is all it takes to avoid a ditch :). 

Keep Exploring.. :) :) 

Getting back in touch

I look back and I noticed that my blog has not been updated for ... that's right... 4 years. So that's what corporate life does to you. It sucks every last strand of creativity that is left until you look back at things you used to do and think "Why did I stop doing this?"

This is what happened shortly after I started working
- Insane work hours
- Manage a house, learn to cook
- Try getting some sleep in between
- Learned to party
- Watch movies very very often
- Get hooked onto TV Series
- Lose touch with some friends
- Make new friends
- Switch companies
- Figure out what I really want to do
- Help friends organize weddings / baby showers / bachelorettes

In short, I grew up or at least I tried to :) ..

In the midst of all of the above, I could not make time for few things that I loved doing. One was dance and the other was blogging. I started learning salsa formally last year and this year I have decided to keep my blog updated at least once a while.

Hopefully this a promise to self that I can keep.

Nanban - A Shankar Entertainment

Well it’s been a while since I found time to sit down and write something. Mumbai is starting to get on my nerves; the traffic, the pollution, the public, it’s a war-field put here. What keeps me going on are these small time stealers make me look beyond my work. :)

Catching a movie once a while is a stress-buster. Nanban was indeed more than a stress-buster. To be candid, I didn’t quite expect a remake to be this good. Nanban is the remake of the blockbuster Aamir Khan starrer “3 Idiots” which brilliantly brought out the flaws in the present education system. Nanban to quote my sister is a classic “cut-copy-paste” of 3 Idiots. Starting from dialogues to scenes; everything was a perfect lift from the Hindi movie but catered for the Tamil audience. There have been many remakes in the past, from horrendous remakes (I couldn’t sit through Force… What a torture it was to see John & Genelia to play Surya & Jothika’s roles) to fairly good remakes, all of them left you comparing both the movies and criticizing one. It was mostly lob-sided. The original was always ORIGINAL and the clear-cut WINNER. This one movie has broken that barrier. I loved the 3 Idiots and I love Nanban. Both were equally entertaining and a indeed delight to watch. Well, sometimes a remake can be as good as the original! :)

Who would have thought that they would have been able to brilliantly reproduce the “Balathkar” speech! That one scene decides it all… Once again Nanban doesn’t fail you. It leaves you laughing so hard that you would end up falling out of your seat!! :) Vijay might not be able to match Aamir’s performance but for a change, this movie is not just a “Vijay” movie. I've never liked his work, never dare to watch his movies in the theatre. Even I couldn't resist not watching this movie after seeing the trailer. I looked at him in "All is well" and told my roommate, "Ok wow! He looks nice in this movie."

Why do we watch movies? We need to escape from our routine life and just sit back, have fun and relax, Nanban delivers that; a 3 hour entertainer. Amongst the entire cast, it is Jeeva whose performance has matched Sharman Joshi’s. Kudos to him! It is indeed a treat for the Tamil audience, even to the section who would have seen 3 Idiots.

It is truly a Shankatainment :) :)

Learning the ways of a Mumbaikar

I remember the first time I came to Mumbai, it was in May 2005. I was extremely excited, I was going to see the city I was born in. I boarded Dadar Express, I was very very excited for two reasons; I was going to the city I was born in and I was travelling alone. I bought some juice from this guy who promised to bring back change for Rs. 50. That was the last I saw that Rs.50. Ripped off! That was not a great start. I try gathering knowledge from experiences like this. I learned that I should give exact change or I should get back the change immediately if I buy something from someone apart from the pantry guys. I was cautious from then on. :) The rest of the journey was  pretty smooth. Nothing like a good book that can give you company. When you are a young girl travelling alone, people come forward to make conversations with you and all these small conversations make the journey much less boring :). My cousin made sure that I saw Mumbai the right way; I travelled by local, bus, auto, taxi & a ferry all in one day or rather between afternoon and late evening (Yes that was possible in Mumbai 6 years back). I remember whispering to my cousin when we got into the auto"Why aren't you bargaining with him?". She laughed and told me that autos ran on meter and they wouldn't cheat you. For someone who comes from Chennai, it was a BIG surprise. My jaw literally dropped. You mean you can actually get inside an auto without having to bargain with the auto guy?! That's AWESOME. I remember telling myself that I should live here for a while some day. I had to admit, it is hard for someone to not fall in love with Mumbai... oops.. I spoke too soon..

Mumbai is currently the home for over 20.4 million and I am one among them. The city has drastically changed, it has become dirtier and more crowded. You have to join the crowd to survive here; survival of the fittest. You cannot walk casually here, you have to always do brisk walking, kinda like an exercise while you are trying to get to work! :) Travel by road is absolutely painful. Something that is just 4kms away can take you 1.5 hours to reach. Local! The lifeline of Mumbai is the best way to travel in Mumbai. The amount of time that is saved is tremendous. You don't have to get inside the bus or train, you just have to stand somewhere near the entrance and the crowd will push you inside and also push you outside when you want to get down. Mind you! Nobody tries to take advantage when you are smashed in a crowded bus or train. A girl cannot ask for more can she? It is one of the safest cities for a girl. She can walk alone on a road even at 12 am. Mumbai's uniqueness is its people; there's a varied mix of culture here and people are so friendly. Help is given to those who ask for it. A person might be running to catch a train but he/she will stop and help you if you ask for it. Mumbai is known for its food stalls by the road side; Vada Pavs, Dabelis, Sev Puri, Pani Puri ... The list is endless. For a foodie, Mumbai is the place to be! :) The other attraction here are the malls. For someone who comes from a place that does not have a mall culture it is something new to experience. I recently went to Palladium mall and my eyes became wide when I entered the mall, it was simply royal. :) This mall is a must visit for those who visit Mumbai! A friend once told me that the Britishers left the money in Mumbai. Boy! He was right. I've been learning to cook, manage a house and work all the same time. Finally a change that I have been wanting for such a long time! :) :)

It just doesn't rain here, it pours! Umbrellas do no good here. The rains does get on your nerves and once the rain stops it just become humid and hot and this starts as early as October in Mumbai. The sea is so dirty that you can't even imagine stepping into it. You cannot go to the beach to relax. (What a drastic change from Chennai where the beachside is the best place to go when you just want to sit & relax). Life here is hard and hectic. Travel pain adds to work stress and you tend to lose your sanity every once a while. The topography of the city is beyond pathetic and the city is so polluted that you can end up falling sick every once a while. All this makes you stronger and gives you the ability to survive anywhere else in the world. Life in Chennai & Pune was pretty laid-back and relaxing, Mumbai is just quite the opposite. This place is going to be my home for at least the next two years and I might as well learn to love it. :)

A struggling Chennaite signing off . . .

A bundle of joy

16 October 2010, 5:45 am, I got a call from my sister. I woke up with a start. I knew it was time; I picked up the phone, “Appu! My water just broke” said my sister. So this was it, this was the day I had been waiting for the past 9 months. She informed me that she was OK and she would be given pills for inducing pain. I asked her to be brave and hung up. She was the one who was going to deliver a child and I was the one who was scared and shed tears. She looked like she was taking it easy. I called up a few close friends and informed them that she was in labour. Beep Beep, it was a text from one of my close friends, “I’ve got a very good feeling. This baby is going to bring a lot of happiness into your family”. I smiled to myself and with that thought in mind I forced myself to catch some sleep because my sister informed me it would take time.

Each time, I felt like I was falling asleep, I woke up thinking I got a text/call saying that she delivered. The same happened at 09:45 am, I got up and checked my phone; I got a text from my sister, “Just sitting and waiting. Slight pains am getting I think... you don’t worry ok!” I felt my heartbeat raising. I could hardly sleep after that. I started imagining what could be happening at the hospital, I was wavering between fretting and calming myself down. The waiting which seemed endless got over at 11:58am, I got two text messages from my brother-in-law who was in the labour room; “She delivered. All fine.” and “It is junior Bharat.” I breathed a sigh of relief and the first person I thought of was my mother who finally got the boy she always wanted.

I smiled for two reasons; 1. My sister and the baby were fine and 2. My mother’s wish finally came true.. She wanted a boy very badly and she ended up raising me like one :D

And so I got a “little prince” and I yearned to meet him. This happened 14 days after he was born. I ran into my room to meet him. There he was the little bundle of joy, wrapped in his mother’s arms. Tiny and handsome as ever, I lifted him and he stared into my face, it was one of the most treasured moments of my life!

All he does is; eat, cry, sleep for most part of the day and poop & pee. It’s a different life to have but it’s not as easy as we think it is; everything is a struggle for infants. I see him evolve every day, I see him get angry when his sleep gets disturbed, sad when he is unable to sleep, laugh in his sleep and cry differently when he wants milk & when just wants to throw tantrums. He has started to focus on things recently. Seeing my sister handle him is absolute fun, watching him while he sleeps and trying to understand his every move just makes time fly. This is probably the first time that I have hardly stepped out of home and yet time seems to fly faster.

I am proud to say that I have joined the long list of adults who talk funny when they talk to babies. Try it! It’s absolute fun!

Learning that matters!

Internship; a new world opens up!

Reluctantly, I packed my bags on June 4th and took a flight out from Pune. Reaching here I was still stuck emotionally with my friends back in Pune, I really wanted to stay back and spend more time with them which I still regret I couldn’t. I had a sleepless night on 6th June, the one that you have when you are nervous and excited, like before getting your board exam results, I was due to start my internship the very next day. On 7th June, I entered the premises of an enormous SEZ with BIG dreams, hopes, aspirations and expectations. It was not just an internship for me. It was an amazing learning experience. I was mapped onto a real project and I started undergoing training the very next day. I got the opportunity to work in an organization and practice what I have learnt in books.

The first few weeks (1 week in case of mine), is always about reading documents on top of documents and it’s not like college where you are tested by an exam. It is the understanding that matters; it does not matter if you can display your understanding in a word or in a thousand words. There are no tests, no marks; your performance is the only test and your hike is your mark. I was placed as a Junior Functional (Business) Analyst; something that almost all MBA grads set out to become. I am fortunate that I got a peek into the kind of work at such an early stage. I was involved in everything related to the lifecycle of software product development, from an incubate stage to a grown-up stage. As an intern, it is the experience that matters, I got the much more than I bargained for. An experience that surpassed every lesson that I have gained from textbooks!

I wrote documents that ran for pages. What did I understand from that? Writing (typing) is not the hardest part, it’s not the thought process that goes into the pages of documents, it is making the documents understood to another person (in this case, a person who writes lines of codes). “Knowledge Transfer” is the fancy corporate term coined for this process. As the name suggests, it is transferring knowledge to another. I had to show the sample of a small screen which forms a part of a huge ocean called an application and explain it to the technical guy who would be responsible for writing those lines of codes which would make my screen up and running. And his understanding has to be clear, crystal clear, for anything that is wrongly developed; my name goes down the drain. I was absolutely thrilled when I learnt that I would be doing everything that a Business Analyst does. It was a challenge being a fresher. The fact that my work was taken into importance more importantly formed a part of that application, motivated me to get to office and work harder than ever.

Sometimes, it’s not the work; it’s the people at work who make work enjoyable. Here, it was my bosses and my senior at work who made my work enjoyable and who exposed me to everything related to software development. I spent time bonding with members from other teams. Fresh out of college, I ended up calling everyone “Sir/Mam”; it is corporate culture to call everyone using names. I could not convince myself to call people who were years older than me using their name. It felt wrong. Right from childhood, you have been asked to give respect and suddenly walking into a new place you find people of all ages addressing each other with names. This is something I got used to only towards the end of my project.

Life in the corporate world is very different. Your day could start as early as 5.30am and it would go on overnight. This is life! Office becomes your second home. The initial years of joining an organization, I know what I must look forward to; I would have a lot to do and lot to learn before going up the ladder. I could be placed in one team and then shifted to a whole new different team when the project gets competed, which means I must be able to adapt easily and move around well with people. Time! Something which we can never have enough of drastically seems to fly when you start working. Initially, you wouldn't find time to do anything extra during weekdays as work drains you out and at the end of a very long day all you want to do is have dinner, hit the bed, stretch and sleep. This cannot go on for long though, for fitness freaks like me, will find time to either take long walks or hit the gym sometime before and after work. Saying “I don’t know, please teach me” is not accepted. If you don’t know something, it is your responsibility to find out about it. Your senior is a mentor, a map when you get lost, a light that guides you and not someone who teaches you the ABCD of your work. You have to work your way through. It is just like when you learn to walk or your dad letting go of holding your cycle when you learn how to ride, you are on your own, you fall and you learn. I now understand that the size and name of the organization doesn’t matter. Getting placed with “big” brands is not the achievement/end; it’s the learning that follows no matter where you are placed, and I am happy to say that I got the learning that added sense to my PG course, for there can be no end to learning.

I have a long way to go and lots to do. “I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep.”